


we do have reputations

by aqakita



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, F/F, tw arguing, tw paranoia, tw relationship issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-08
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2019-05-19 18:14:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14878781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aqakita/pseuds/aqakita
Summary: Phi Phi’s paranoia regarding her relationship with Sharon risks a rift.





	we do have reputations

Phi Phi leaned against the balcony barrier, staring out onto the street. She was hiding here, in a way. It wasn’t like she was invisible, but Sharon was so wrapped up in conversation in the house that she knew she wouldn’t have to worry. She wouldn’t come looking for her. Beneath her, the traffic rumble filled the evening air, carrying on the cool breeze that washed over her bare arms. It was a little too cold to be out here in a vest, but she didn’t want to go back in and find something else.

Avoiding her wasn’t the right way to go about this, and was a kind of complicated reaction to how she felt. She’d been seeing Sharon for a while now, and in her heart, she knew one hundred percent that she loved her. If she didn’t love her, she wouldn’t stay. And Sharon took care of her, good care, and she put up with the odd ‘temper tantrum’ that had become typical. A part of her felt bad for that; she was a lot more trouble than she was worth. There was no denying the fact that being kept around made her feel valuable, even if she didn’t believe she had much merit.

However, as much as she knew she loved Sharon, a part of her was so afraid to be seen with her. They’d been known for having a rocky history, for having fought nearly endlessly for the first year of knowing each other. Even now, quite regularly, they still bickered with each other, it was just usually a lot less intense. Their friends knew they were together. They’d been with each other for what was coming up to six months, meaning it was what Sharon described as ‘long term’. In spite of that, Phi Phi still felt the same sting of shame to be publicly affectionate with her that she experienced when this all started.

It was nothing more than an image thing. In her mind, people still expected her to be curt with the blonde, and therefore, when she was nice, she felt she was being scrutinised. Rationally, she knew that wasn’t the case - her friends couldn’t care less about them being sweet. When Sharon got the rare opportunity to wrap an arm around her, no one tended to react. It was the occasional comments set her on edge, the ‘don’t you look cute together?’s, and the ‘get a room’s that people felt it was necessary to voice. Whenever she heard those, it flipped a panic switch in her brain, and she’d be quick to dismiss herself.

Or was it an image thing? When she thought about the whole ‘long term relationship’ description of them, it made her want to bolt. Maybe it was the commitment. Her grip on the bars was so tight that her knuckles were whiting, and her palms were stinging where the coarse metal dug in. They had been a good six months, and in exception of the odd trick or wind up, her girlfriend had done nothing wrong. She was an okay cook, she gave great head, and the way she would hold Phi Phi as she drifted off to sleep was the biggest comfort in the world. So why did the idea of staying with her seem so terrifying?

“You okay out there?” A voice from the doorway called.   
Phi Phi almost jumped out of her skin, releasing the boundary bars and glancing over her shoulder. The blonde was reclining against the doorframe, arms crossed over her chest.  
“Latrice is gone, you can come inside.” She laughed a little bit, moving toward her.  
“I wasn’t avoiding her.” Her response was quick and biting, and she felt bad when she noticed the woman hesitating, “It was just too loud inside, I needed fresh air.”  
She seemed to believe it, though she was suspicious of how the woman was bristling under her gaze. Taking a cigarette from her pocket and lighting it, she joined her by the bars.

“Want one?” She offered with the box, but Phi Phi pushed it away, “Alright.”   
Dangling her arms over the ledge, the brunette was watching down beneath them, vertigo leaving her reeling and making her step back. Steadying herself, she turned her gaze to Sharon, who was in a pose not unlike the one she previously upheld. Smoke spilled past the red of her lips and caught on the breeze, unfortunately in the direction of Phi Phi, who blinked back and grumbled a complaint.   
“You should know better by now, that’s just what happens. Smoke blows in non-smokers faces, and when you try to light a cigarette, the wind blows the flame out, even if there wasn’t any breeze.”

Though she continued to scowl, she returned to her place by the edge when Sharon gestured for her. The arm around her waist made her tense at first, but it was warming and comforting, and she did find herself succumbing quickly to the grip and leaning into her. When there was no one here to watch them, she didn’t mind the contact as much, though it did make her fragile heart leap. A part of her couldn’t believe when the blonde was sweet to her, feeling as though she both didn’t deserve it, and that it couldn’t be real. Even the smallest of gestures to her felt as though they were monumental.

For Sharon, that wasn’t, and had never really been, the case. Of course, the first few romantic encounters had left a warmth in her stomach, but she’d leveled out now. Kisses were expected and hugs were something common place, though she did have to struggle on the occasion to get those from Phi Phi. From the one short conversation they’d had around the issue, she’d taken an understanding that physical affection wasn’t something she was used to, and that she was nervous about it. That was okay at the beginning of the relationship, but six months in, Sharon couldn’t help but pine for a little more of the sappier stuff.

At least when they spent nights at each other’s houses, they shared a bed. Phi Phi had no complaints about being held as she tried to sleep, and wouldn’t mind a kiss goodnight. When she was drowsy, she was loving, as though she was less concerned with maintaining the guard she’d built around herself. In a way, Sharon found herself looking forward to the nights for that fact - it was almost a guarantee that she could hold her close without fear of her pulling away. It was because of this, and a general love for the somewhat abrasive woman, that she asked something that’d been on her mind for a while.

“Do you think we should move in together?”   
Despite it being asked in a very passive tone, Phi Phi’s face reacted like she’d just heard a gunshot. She couldn’t not answer the question - it was an important discussion point and it had been something she considered. They’d been together for long enough now that it wasn’t exactly an out of place thing to ask, and she felt as though she should have been excited about it. Instead, her head was spinning and she felt immensely anxious. When Sharon looked worried for her, she managed to answer a pathetic, “I don’t know.”

Stubbing her cigarette out on the metal and flicking it over the balcony, the blonde turned to look down at her. The fear in Phi Phi was blatant, and due to that, she was only slightly offended by the reaction. It would be a big commitment, and she was well aware of that. She would suggest it on a trial basis, but they’d been doing that already with staying with each other for up to two weeks at a time. In Sharon’s eyes, them moving into one place wouldn’t make much of a difference, regardless of whose house it was. The way that she saw things, they were in a good place.

The way Phi Phi saw things, this was suddenly moving far too fast. She loved Sharon more than anything in the world, and she didn’t want to lose her, but this felt overwhelming. Perhaps she did have commitment issues after all, seeing as this offer didn’t feel like a romantic gesture - it felt like a trap. Something in her was screaming that if she said yes, then she could never get away, and that things would go badly. The sensible part of her, the part with a heart and an attachment to the woman, wanted to say yes. It was an internal tug of war, and it felt startlingly like ‘no’ was starting to win.

“We can talk about this inside, come on.” Sharon took her hand gently, reassured when she got a grip in return, and she lead her to the couch. Phi Phi took her seat quite close to her, still holding onto the hand, and bringing her other over to rest on her wrist. Her gaze was focused on her lap, and she felt almost ashamed by all of this.  
“If you don’t want to, you don’t have to. I just wondered if you were interested.”   
“It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s just that…” She felt like anything she said would dig a deeper hole, “You know I love you. A lot. And I love being around you, mostly, but…”   
Sharon was evidently unconvinced by her pitch, looking at her uncomfortably and releasing her hand a bit. As soon as she did that, Phi Phi held onto her tightly.

“I love you, but I’m kind of scared that if I move in with you, I’ll end up not loving you anymore. Or, worse, you’ll go off of me.”   
“We practically live with each other as it is, and you know that. Why would being in one place make that any different?” Though she wanted to be sympathetic, this was leaving Sharon a tad frustrated.   
“Because it’s permanent! Or, well, it’s pretty much permanent. If we have a fight or something we both have to still come back here and be around each other and it sounds uncomfortable.”  
“But why would we have a fight like that? We’ve never avoided each other from one since we’ve been together. Or even before then.”   
“That’s what happens when people live together.”   
“Well, it doesn’t have to. And even if it does, couples argue all the time, it doesn’t mean we should live apart forever.”

Now Phi Phi was the one to retract her hands, the sorry look on her face a lot more blatant than when they first sat down. If she was ever going to discuss how she’d been feeling with Sharon, this wasn’t how she wanted to do it. She could feel a stern eye on her, and she almost shivered at it, forcing herself to look up towards her girlfriend.   
“You’re right, I know.” She took a deep breath, well aware that she wasn’t handling this well.  
“I really want this, I think it’ll be good for us. We don’t even have to tell anyone you’ve moved in for a while, if you don’t want to. Then that gives you time to adjust. I know you’re worried about what everyone else thinks.”

The last sentence was said in such a cutting tone that Phi Phi almost had a double take. Part of her was angry to hear it, but another part of her knew that she was right, because that was why she fled to the balcony that evening. She just didn’t like that Sharon was genuinely aware of it. It felt like she was being called out, and rightly so, because she should have spoken to her about it. The mature thing in the situation would have been to sit Sharon down, and explain her vulnerabilities to her, but instead she hedged, hesitated, and hid at every instance that her insecurities would be aired.

“I just don’t see what your problem is, about other people seeing us. They all know, it’s not like we’re hiding things.”  
“Maybe I just don’t like being affectionate in public?” Phi Phi was feeling cornered, and it was taking a lot for her not to snap. That would do nothing to help their situation, and she felt she was the one to cause the damage, she didn’t need to destroy things completely.  
“One other person in the house is public to you? Alright then.”   
“You know what I mean.” She was gritting her teeth, and standing from the couch, she made her way back toward the balcony.   
“Why are you ashamed of me, Phi Phi?”

She stopped in her tracks, and her fists flexed with anger. That wasn’t an accusation that she felt she deserved, though it was somewhat true, and she wasn’t sure the right way to defend herself. Looking over her shoulder, she noticed that though the words were snarled to her, there was a clear upset on her face. Sharon had never been a crier, but there were tears catching in her eyes and that was enough for Phi Phi’s fists to unfurl. Turning on her heel, she took a closer step.  

“I’m not ashamed  _of you_.” As soon as she said it, she knew that it wasn’t a helpful answer, “I know that we left all the nasty shit behind, but I feel like when people look at us, that’s what they see.”  
“Is that what you want them to see?”  
“No.”  
“Then why still act like that towards me? Why not be nice?”  
“Because they might talk about it.”  
“They won’t! Phi Phi, no one fucking cares about it. All we get is wind up comments on occasion from people in the same way they’d talk to any other couple. You’re being paranoid.”   
“I know.” There was a defeat to her tone, “I’m sorry.”   
“Sit down.” Sharon patted the space beside her on the couch, hoping to coax her over.

Though she stumbled on a step, still reacting like she was being lured into an elaborate trap, Phi Phi made her way over, sitting down beside her. A hand was offered out to her, and she took it, though her hold was a little light.  
“How long have we been together?”  
“Six months.”  
“How long have we been getting along?”  
“More than a year.”  
“People are used to us being friends now. Our friends are supportive of us, and I know that  you know that. I understand your fear, but you’re being irrational. No one is judging us for our past. They just want us to be happy. You’d see that if you faced them.”

Phi Phi’s grip tightened a little, and she shifted up closer on the couch, leaning her head against Sharon’s shoulder. A kiss was pressed lightly against her head, and she smiled a bit. Her behaviour had been a bad case of paranoia messing with her, but it was hard to shake, and any time she tried to tell herself that was all it was, she excused it in her own head. Hearing Sharon make a point of it helped to drill it in. As with every time she’d had a moment like this, she would just have to brave it, expose herself to what she was afraid of, and prove that she was wrong about it.

“I can try to be better, in public, I mean. But that’s not to say that I’ll be clinging to you instantly. It doesn’t come easy for me, it’s gonna take time. Are you willing to wait for that? Because I understand if you’re not.”   
“Of course I’m willing to wait. I’ve put up with the rest of your unreasonable bullshit for six months, why would this be any different?” Laughing, she squeezed her hand in a comforting way, “If you promise that you’ll work on it, then that’s fine, as long as you actually try.”   
“And the moving in thing, I’d like that. But, maybe give it a couple more weeks until we decide properly. I feel like after an argument isn’t the best time.”   
“Agreed.”


End file.
